Why leaving home is so hard for me?

 

When I was younger, just the idea of studying abroad was already so exciting! I didn't think that it'd be scary or lonely or difficult. I just thought that it would be fun , exciting and new ! At that point of time, I wanted to experience it so badly! I guess I was young and I didn't look at it from different aspects.

Now that this whole going-overseas-phase is happening in approximately 3 days, it's a completely different feeling! I don't feel excited but in fact I feel scared, nervous and wary. I never knew leaving home could be this difficult! All my life, I've lived at home. Never have I had to stay at a dorm to be near college or move to a different state for university because everywhere I studied so far was near home! Well I still had to drive about 40-50 minutes to and fro university everyday but that's nothing compared to how far I'm going!

Now I'm gonna be moving 9859 miles (nine thousand eight hundred and fifty nine miles!!!! That's like 15864.9 kilometers!!!) away!!!     And boy, is this change drastic or what?! *faints*

What if I'm not ready?

No wait, who am I kidding. I AM not ready! sigh.  

What if everything changes in the years that I am away? What if things happen when I'm not around and I can't do anything to intervene? What if people change for the worst (if they do for the better then it's a good thing!)? What if I change over the years? What if relationships change? What if friendships don't last? I feel like I might be left out of the loop being so far away from everyone! I want to know what's going on with everyone's lives and still be able to listen and give my view on things!

I know I'm gonna come home in the future, my parents will still be my parents and my siblings will still be my siblings. It's just that I wanna be surrounded by them.. FOREVER! #overlyattacheddaughterandsister

Yes I know I need to learn to be independent, I gotta stop relying on my family, I gotta start fending for myself. But…. why so soon?

What if I can't adapt well overseas? What if I can't make any good friends? What if I can't handle the stress and pressure over there? What if I can't perform up to my expectations? Gahhhh all the annoying 'what ifs'!

Sigh. All these thoughts have been bugging me for a while now. And that is why I am not excited about leaving home. Hmmp.   

I usually don't blog about my emotions so publicly because I like to keep them private or between my family and close friends. I'm only writing this because it's already 3am and I still can't go to bed! Darn emotions!!!! And I somehow thought that writing/expressing all of these will help calm my crazy whirring brain down. Being overly emotional is one of my drawbacks, seriously. How am I gonna treat sick patients when I can get all teary so easily?!

Guess I'll be leaving home with a very very very heavy heart. Who knew leaving home could be this…. depressing? Sigh.